Love;

viber imageI am turning 25 in few months.

Every night when I lay down on my bed trying to sleep, the river of thoughts floods in. Thoughts of not being able to find a person to share my life with, floods in. Loneliness sweeps in and I wonder when and who.

Every where I go, all the people I meet, places I look at seems to be so in love. Most of them who are of my age seems to have a life started, with a husband and some with children. A happy life. And I just can’t help but wonder. Why am I still single and why don’t I have anyone interested in me?

I believe in love, it exists and thats a magical feeling to have. Even with modern day beliefs and doings I still find love to be beautiful. Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you are to meet him, the fire that burns in his eyes every time  our eyes meet, the smile that spreads across your face, the touch that caresses when you are happy or sad and the words that uplifts you. The feeling of being cared for and having someone you can count on, always. It’s a miraculously wonderful feeling to cherish for those who have gotten lucky.

I myself have been in love one too many times. Sometimes I got lucky and mostly it was an empty road I took. Falling in love has been an easy job except for when it came to being loved. I have loved and cared for people who couldn’t give two shits about it. I have loved a few who reciprocated too. Through out my 24 years of life, love has been harsh towards me. I have shed too many tears in the name of love than it let me wear a smile. And yet, here I am with an open heart, arms wide open and with hopes high yet again to fall in love. To be able to embrace that magical feeling of falling, deeply and completely, to give my heart away to someone who needs it.

This time though, a bit more carefully and a bit more slowly. At times, I gave up so much and gave away too much of me, to feel that love and to acquire it, every time lead to disappointments. Some took the benefit, some used and some couldn’t value. There has come times where I lost hope to be ever loved. Times, that made me believe in the cruelty of this world and the men in it. And sometimes, couldn’t help but realised how blind men are.

In todays world, beauty is of great essence to men. A girl with a pretty face need not struggle for there would be men lined up for her. And to be a black sheep in a society as such doesn’t seem to be giving me any luck with romance. I am beautiful. A beautiful soul though, just not what appeals to the eyes looking.

And at this point in life I could wonder if its truly gonna be a lonely life or there could still be hope.

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I am Sorry!

Well, I honestly don’t know what I should feel at this point.
Should I
1. Regret asking for help from them?
2. Regret accepting the help?
3. Regret not showing the appreciation physically?
4. Regret being myself?

First six months of 2015, I was at my worst. I was dying bit by bit everyday during those days. And yet, here I am. Very much alive and living, now.

I would forever be in debt for the people who helped me through. Ms.Racheal, Ms. Irene, Ms. Greeja, My boyfriend and closest friends of mine.

I have not done what I should have done to appreciate the things all of them did, not physically. I rather avoided seeing, meeting and even talking to them. I know, its rude and not polite to do so.

I have my reasons as to why I did so. Reasons being:
1. I am ashamed of myself for seeking help
2. I am ashamed of myself for letting people know about me
3. I am ashamed I accepted the help
4. I dont want people to look at me and feel sorry for me. Or even the thought ‘oh! Thats the girl I helped’ to cross their mind, because I dont wanna feel that i am incapable of helping myself.

However, by adapting to avoid the people who helped me the most, I have put myself in a very dangerous and depressing situation. Among the lecturers and seniors at college, whom I value the most, are most important people and people I respect the most are now talking bad of me. The word already has spread and people to whom I didnt share the story to and people who valued me, know the story now and are now looking down on me. I have become such a terrible person that, lecturers literally stopped talking to me and have put on an angry face for me, to show me, whenever they see me.

Maybe, they have the right to do so, maybe I am getting to taste my own medicine. Maybe, I deserve to feel horrible for what I have done.

At this point, all I wanna say is, though i failed to appreciate the things and people through my actions, I have always appreciated and have always been grateful for the help I received. I thank God everyday for surrounding me with people who cared.

And I am extremely sorry for anything and everything that I have done to hurt anyone of you. I wish to get better in showing my appreciation towards the respective people.

Sorry.

28th December 2015

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Ever since 28th December 2015, I have been worried about the three children who lost their mother.

I am no relative of theirs and not a friend of their family either, just that I am a human being who also lost her Dad.

I was just 8 years old when I lost my father, and it is what that breaks my heart everyday. And since that day, 7th January 2001, all I have ever wished was for one more chance to talk to my father, one more chance to hug him and one last chance to say goodbye. And from that day on, all I have been wondering is how my life would be if he was alive. All I know is, I would have been a very happy and a lively child if he was alive.

Believe me, I know how they would be feeling right now. They lost their mother, for ever. And they would probably be wondering the same thing as I do, and they would probably be wishing for the same chance, to see and talk to their mother one more time.

I know how hard it has been for me to grow up without a Father. And I can fully understand how heart aching it would be for those three children, to live without a Mother. I just can’t help it but think about them all the time, wondering about how they would be living, with whom they would be living and where they would be living.

Their home has been broken and they will now be under the wings of someone else, not their mother. And I wish and hope for them to get the love they deserve and may they never have to feel the absence of their mother. May you three children grow stronger and have the courage to face the world, to do good to each other and to the world.

Amen.

It’s Not That..

It is not that I want to complain everytime we talk. It’s that I’m not sure if I matter to you as much as you matter to me. It’s that everytime we talk, I feel like you are talking because you are obliged to, not because you want to talk.

It’s that everytime I get your attention, you look like you are suffocating. And that you are looking deeper to find a way to escape.

It’s that everytime I send you a text, it feels like I am burdening you with it because it takes ages for you to respond while I foolishly spend hours and days staring at our conversation to find out your response to my question.

It’s that everytime when you have a need, you can’t stop talking and can’t wait for my reply. But when your need is fullfilled, my texts aren’t important. I feel like I don’t exist anymore, for you.

It’s that I would always be there for you through thick and thin, how busy or how far it is. And that you don’t have a second on your plate to offer me, to ask if I am doing OK.

It’s that friends being there for each other is sweet and everything beautiful. While your meaning to it is completely different.

It’s that you are on my mind 24/7 while you don’t, not even for a second of a day. It’s that I get sad for being ignored, for that is what takes me to the darker place I was in before. While you enjoy the hours you get without me beeping your phone.

It’s that you are such an important person in my life that I would ask you before doing anything and tell you if anything happens. While you find it better not to share anything of yours with me.

Confusion!

For a while, I thought everything is going to be alright, I could handle whatever comes at me. I would be able to stay strong and hold it together.

IMG_2635But what have I become now? What am I doing? What do I want?

Do I want to be a coward and hide myself from the world and think everything is fine and alright? Would that free me from all the worries, troubles and tears? or would it drag me deep into more misery and leave me to rot in an eternal hell, on this earth?

Leaving everything good that ever happened, the best people I have been laughing with, all the fun that is possible. Is this a terrible mistake I’m making or is this gonna relieve me from having to be scared of everything?

I should have been better, should have understood the circumstances, should have thought it through. I should have handled myself more carefully. I have been there, had this, saw and experienced this. And why didn’t I take the precautions? Why wasn’t I listening? Why was I too dumb to understand everything that was happening right in front of my eyes? Why am I too weak to take care of myself?

Why do I let my guard down? Every time? Why do I hurt myself like this? Why do I let it happen?

Sometimes.

Sometimes, life takes you to the place where you feel nothing but scared. Scared of what might happen tomorrow. Scared of what you might feel tomorrow. Scared of breaking apart everything good that you have been having lately.

Sometimes, you feel like you are important. That you matter to someone as much as you care for them.Yet, you feel otherwise and you can’t stop but think that the whole world is playing against you.

Sometimes, you think that its fairly played. And then you try to be strong and hold on to every bit of strength you have. Just so that you can put back a smile on your face. But, all your efforts then goes to waste. The stronger you try to be, it kills you a bit more inside, every time. The more you try to let go and move on, you lose a bit more of yourself and take a step closer to becoming something you don’t even recognise. Something you hated so much and someone you always promised you would never become.

Sometimes, you let your guard down and believe that you belong here, with him, with them. Then you can’t stop but think of your own stupidity. Stupid for letting someone in. For thinking that you are special to him, to them. For hoping that you would be cared and loved.

Sometimes, all you can think of a way of leaving everything behind. Maybe to quit or to starter. Either way you are left with no hope.

Life. Lost. Truth!!

Life has stopped at a point of darkness. Somewhere around the corner, to a place unknown. Dipping soul into shit so deepened. Taking hope to a level not reachable, to a level so below. Wishes, to a far away land of no existence. And then fate, blown away into thin air, like a plastic bag engaged in a disastrous hurricane.
Life! 
So called to be full of laughter and happiness, love and care, acceptance and belonging is no where near to be what it is suppose to be. It is somewhere out there in a jungle so dark even the early rays cannot reach in. With fear, misery and terrible thoughts, you are no where to be found.
Lost!
The love you deserved to have as a child. (Father, I miss you.) Teenage-hood you were to have with friends so honest and true. Immature love so romantic and addictive. A dream smashed to a concrete wall, for the pieces to be found no where. And a lovely family! To hold your hand, pet you at the back, watch your steps and to catch you when and if you fall. 
Truth!
A bitter taste. Every move has taken you a bit far. On a path collapsing beneath your feet as you move. And not much longer it would take, warmth of the ground below would keep you at rest, you close your eyes sooner than it has to be.